Boundaries & Assertiveness
This week is Week 3 of our 8 week group, Healing Codependency & Attachment Wounds. In Week 1 we covered Codependency 101 and in week 2 we went over Family Dynamics, Attachment Styles, and Attachment Wounds. This week we are talking about Assertive Communication & Boundary Setting, and I will be frequently citing one of my favorite books, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, which is basically my Boundaries Bible.
I am so excited to discuss boundaries with this group because almost everyone I know (inside and outside of this group) struggles with boundaries in some capacity. Plus, boundaries are especially hard around the holidays — which are right around the corner. Whether it be boundaries with family members, saying no to events you don’t have the time or energy for, boundaries around gift giving, boundaries around topics of conversation you don’t want to get into…. going against the grain or speaking up for yourself in a way that perhaps you previously have not, can be scary! We often fear that people are going to be mad at us or uncomfortable with how we make them feel. But remember — people are allowed to feel uncomfortable emotions!
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We can’t control how people are going to feel — so stop trying to be so controlling of other people! That’s right, I’ll say it again… your effort to keep the peace and not upset anyone is actually an effort to control other people. We can only control ourselves. So stop trying to control other people!
Creating boundaries is the greatest form of self-care you can give yourself. This is the number one way you can make a conscious effort to control yourself, take care of your needs, develop healthy habits, and keep yourself safe. And unfortunately, people may have feelings about that! It benefits others when you don’t have boundaries, especially people who take advantage of you and your generosity. Not having boundaries does not benefit you or keep you in alignment with the healthiest, safest, most thriving version of yourself. Additionally, I often find that once we get honest about setting boundaries and advocating for our own needs, others around us start to do the same because you gave them permission to. You are modeling to them that it’s okay to take care of yourself. So be a trend setter! Set a boundary!
3 Step Formula for Setting a Boundary
Recognize what boundary you need to set. This requires turning inward. Are you feeling overextended or overwhelmed? Does someone in your life always drain your energy every time you spend time with them? Are you neglecting any of your needs? I often like to use the HALT tool: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Do you feel hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Why is that? Did you prioritize work and decide not to take your lunch break? Is someone in your life a situationship, leaving you angry or lonely, because they don’t communicate with you consistently? Are you setting the boundaries you need with technology to help you thrive? All of these situations can be remedied with a boundary.
Communicate — as in VERBALLY communicate. Don’t assume that other people will know your boundaries. Really strong sentence starters for setting healthy boundaries include: I want, I need, I expect. You could also use, “I’d love it if” “I’d prefer” “I’d really like it if” if you need to ease into this kind of communication. Be really clear about what it is that you need.
Act accordingly and Follow through. If you tell a loved one, “I can’t take calls after 9pm because I need to prioritize my sleep” and they call you again at 10pm because they forgot or didn’t listen… don’t pick up the phone! You need to show that you mean what you say and that you are taking the boundaries you need for your own wellbeing seriously. You are the only one on this planet who can truly take care of you. Following through on what we say we will or will not do as a result of our boundary makes us a more trustworthy, reliable and grounded person to other people. This is what creates safety in relationships and healthy attachments!
For more in depth work on boundaries, I highly recommend checking out Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawabb. This is a topic that most of the time I unpack with clients in their therapy sessions, so if you are needing a little extra support with boundaries and looking for a therapist, don’t hesitate to reach out via my inquiry form!
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