What are the stages of a breakup?

What are the stages of a breakup?:
How the stages of change relate to the healing process following a breakup.

Breakups of any kind are traumatic. Whether it's the ending of a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even the decision to end the relationship with a family member, the experience of someone walking away from your relationship is incredibly painful. This person has been a part of your daily life, routine, habits, and environment. Removing this person from your life is going to be incredibly stressful for your brain, as it is for any habit that you are trying to eliminate.

When we talk about behavior change, we often refer to the Transtheoretical Model, also known as the Stages of Change. The Stages of Change guide us into understanding innate human behavior around making changes in our life. This model can apply to learning new skills, adding new habits to your daily routine, quitting an addictive habit – and it can also apply to learning to live a fulfilling life without the presence of your ex. Much like quitting an addiction, your brain is now learning how to navigate the world without the person you spent the most time with. 

The model includes six stages: Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, Maintenance, and Termination. Here's how each stage might relate to the process of healing from a breakup.

1. Precontemplation (Denial)

What it looks like: In this stage, you might be in denial about the need for the relationship to end, or be unwilling to accept that change is necessary. You may be holding onto the idea that the relationship can be salvaged, or you might be avoiding the emotional pain.

Example: Refusing to acknowledge that the relationship is over, avoiding difficult conversations, or continuing to reach out to your ex as if nothing has changed.

2. Contemplation 

What it looks like: You may have started to recognize the need for change, but you are conflicted about moving forward. You are acknowledging traits or experiences you disliked about your ex and able to consider the fact that they may have not been the best person for you. You may go back and forth between accepting the breakup and wanting to get back together. You may have emotional cravings for the person and logically know that you need to move forward. 

Example: You might acknowledge that you need to move on but still ruminate on the past or hold onto hope that your ex will return. You may be writing them letters about your feelings, sending them texts, checking their social media, and are unwilling to delete photos, text conversations, or give back their belongings.

3. Preparation (Ready to Change)

What it looks like: At this stage, you are beginning to prepare mentally and emotionally for the process of moving on. You are beginning to accept that holding onto the past is holding you back from finding a partner who will love you unconditionally. You may seek advice, start to make plans for the future, and explore ways to heal. 

Example: You have accepted that you must cut ties with your ex (like removing them from social media), begin therapy, or talk to friends about your feelings.

4. Action (Taking Steps to Move On)

What it looks like: In the action phase, you actively take steps to move forward. This could involve setting boundaries, removing reminders of your ex like photos and memories, starting new hobbies, or engaging in self-care practices. This is the stage where visible changes in behavior happen and can often lead to a beautiful personal transformation.

Example: You might unfollow or block your ex on social media, stop reaching out, implement a no contact boundary, or focus on creating new routines that allow you to reconnect with yourself.

5. Maintenance (Sustaining the Change)

What it looks like: During the maintenance phase, you are working to sustain the changes you have made in your life. You can feel the growth of your own self-awareness and positive effects of your journey of healing. You are learning to live without your ex, while resisting the temptation to fall back into old patterns (e.g., contacting your ex or idealizing the past relationship).

Example: You have no desire to contact your ex, you focus on personal growth, and you nurture new relationships.

6. Relapse 

What it looks like: Believe it or not, relapse is a part of the stages of change model that most people endure when making a behavioral change. It is completely normal to revert to old patterns – progress is not always linear and that’s okay. The most important part of the relapse phase is to acknowledge that reverting back to the old behavior is not serving you. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go back to what you were doing in the preparation, action, and maintenance stages. In the context of a breakup, this may look like breaking the ‘no contact’ boundary and beginning to talk to your ex again, sleeping with your ex, or getting back together with your ex. In some cases, getting back together with your ex may actually be what you both ultimately decide is best for the both of you! In most cases, getting back together often leads to a honeymoon phase followed by the realization that the relationship ended for a reason. 

Example: You start to check your ex’s social media again, you send your ex a ‘Happy Birthday’ text just to see if they will reply, or you decide to meet up with your ex because you miss them.

7. Termination (Complete Recovery and Acceptance)

What it looks like: In the termination stage, you will feel like you have fully moved on from the breakup. The relationship no longer will no longer have an emotional hold over you, and you have accepted the loss. There’s a sense of emotional freedom, and you are open to new experiences and relationships without being weighed down by the past.

Example: You no longer think about your ex regularly, don’t feel pain when reminded of the relationship, and are able to engage in a new relationship without comparing it to the old one.

If you’re hoping to get more clarity on what stage you’re in and how to move through it and continue healing, therapy is an excellent place to bring up your concerns and learn new coping skills. At Emily Hope Counseling we specialize in therapy for breakups, due to the complexity of the healing process. If you live in Massachusetts or Maine, and are experiencing the overwhelming and intense emotions following a breakup, reach out for support today.